In the 1990's and into the early 2000's, a subculture arise within the evangelical church called the Purity Culture. What is the Purity Culture? It is a term used for a way of practice in an attempt to promote Biblical purity. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8) Think about no sex before marriage, no "dating" (called courtships), and even no kissing, hugs and holding hands.
Although I can't speak for other churches and other people, I can share some of my experiences and some heartaches I've been through over the years. The definition I provided above sets up the basics, but each denomination and church has practiced this differently.
My Experience and Thoughts
When I first became a Christian, I was a part of a church that follow the Purity Culture. I was a freshmen in college, so my brain was a sponge especially in my new faith in Christ. With the growing of my faith in God, I became a part of this purity culture. I learned a lot about how to relate (and how not to relate) to men of the opposite gender as my brothers in Christ in the realm of the purity culture. I also learned that women should dressed modestly and not provocatively because men are driven by sight and women should not encourage them to think immoral thoughts. Many of us have read I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Often times, couples are in a "courtship," not dating. Many of these couples also did not hold hands, and reframing from kissing until their wedding day. On paper, that sounds dandy, right? A model for sexual purity...
Some of these practices lead to an unintentional divide in the church I was attending. It puts us into silos: male on one side, female on the other side. We were taught that a man is to pursue the woman in the relationship and make the first move (because God initiated the first relationship between Adam and Eve, and Adam came first), and people shouldn't just date around just to hook up but to pursue the relationship in a courtship with the goal of a potential marriage. So, you could imagine, a bunch of college students in a church, learning and practicing all of these things, we were deathly afraid to talk to the folks of the opposite sex because we didn't want to give the wrong message that we were interested or go into sin of even thinking about the opposite sex. Often times, we have accountability groups of the same gender, just so we keep ourselves pure and of course, out of trouble.
And how did we know if someone is the right one? It was highly encouraged to be a part of a homegroup (later called small groups) which are often co-ed, so we can pray and share in our faith. But we still would be separated. We were encouraged to volunteer in ministries, reach out to others, share the Gospel in small groups, and so on and so forth. And as we pursue God and serving Him and serving in our college community through ministries, we would eventually meet someone within these ministries that has the same passion for God and that particular ministry. As someone has described to me once, it's like running up a pyramid. The guy is on one side and the girl is on the other side. You're running the same race to get to the top and eventually, you'll meet each other at the top. (Or maybe not quite like that, but you get the picture.)
It may still all look good on the surface but this also created an unintentional set of legalist rules to follow:
- No dating
- No kissing
- No hugging
- No holding hands
So, you have to do Christianity this way to find your soul mate. And if you don't do it the right way, you won't find your soul mate:
- Did I become a Christian? Check.
- Did I go to church? Check.
- Did I sign up to do XYZ ministries? Check.
- Therefore, I will find my future husband or wife... If I do all these things...
And when I went through all these things, and graduated from college, I always felt I would find my special someone... If I do all these things to please God. And I would marry and become a missionary and we would do missions together. But that's not what happened and I started to wonder, "Did I do something wrong?" I started to doubt myself, thinking I must have done something wrong, that I didn't measure up to God.
Don't get me wrong. For some people, this worked out for them. But for me, because I was very much a rule follower, it gave me a sense of worthlessness. So, it took a good bit of years before I realize this is not what God intended. God was starting to unravel a bit of my beliefs system that was untrue. It took me the last several years to realize:
- God truly loves me, regardless...
- He knows that I'm doing my best for Him.
- He knows that I will fail. But He reassures me that it's okay.
- And that I need confidence in Him.
God does want me to be obedient, trust Him and love Him. What that looks like, to me, is to follow God and know that He wants my whole heart. Creating a system to remain pure may be okay, but if this system replaces God and His intentions for our relationship with Him and others, than the system is legalistic. Because the purity culture says, "I'm in control of my relationship with the opposite gender," instead of proclaiming, "God, you're in control of this relationship. You're in control of everything."
There were various degrees that played out after this sub-generation of the purity culture. We see Joshua Harris's marriage fell apart. We saw Josh Duggar got arrested and sentence for having child pornography on his computer (his parents were proponents of the purity culture teachings and Christian family models). I have read many marriage fall apart because the coupled learned that "Sex is not good...." but after the wedding, how do they now become intimate? Christians of the Purity Culture have gone in many directions. "I'll look good on the surface, but nobody will find out about my deepest darkest secrets." Except God knows everything and sooner or later, things will come into light.
It took God's ultimate grace to get me to this point of understanding my experiences. There are a lot of things I can't fully explain about them either. There are a lot of ways my life could have gone a different direction. From the romance side, I don't know if I can relate to men. But I do have a lot of male friends. I may not get married. In my early 40's, I'm starting to see changes to my body, so having children may not happen. But God still loves me and God still wants the best for me.
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