Jesus tough love

Today is Labor Day and it has been two weeks since my mom's death.

I'm still really sad that my mom past away. This past week has been eerily strange to come home in the evenings and no one is at home. My dad works nights now. Even when my mom was in bed most of the time, I came to her side and talk about my day.

I'm not sure if you have witness someone dying before. I saw three love ones die in my life and each time I experience something different. When my grandmother (dad's mom) past away in 1995, I wasn't a Christian then. I had sort of a Buddhist view on the afterlife, of reincarnation, imagining that she is in another body. I guess her death hasn't greatly affected me because I wasn't extremely close to her. She was also pretty old and she had poor health and a frail body. So, I knew it was probably time for her to go.

When my uncle died of lung cancer 3 years ago, I can't help to think that he is in hell. I knew some people have reached out to him. But my aunt has a strong personality in that it's her way or no way. Her way is that no one should interfer with her and her loves ones about Christianity.

Mom and her death was different. These past 3 years, I had hoped and prayed for her. I knew many people have come by to talk to her... and to talk to her about Jesus and God. Each time, in her own way, she will say, "I'll think about it." Even when she was in Hong Kong, one of her cousins, who is a layperson at a church, came to talk to her and pray for her.

Her death has given me mixed emotions about my faith. I don't doubt Jesus that this should happen but I guess I doubt my abilities as a Christian. I haven't talked to my mom that deeply about Christ. I haven't asked her if she has accepted Jesus. There is a sense of guilt and shame about not communicating the message to my mom. But all I could tell her the week prior to her death that I love her and she understood. I do feel fortunate that other Christians were around to share Jesus to my mom. Maybe someday, I'll know if she has accepted Christ.

God has reminded me of His tough love in Luke 9:57-62, about the people who say they'll follow Jesus. I'm not sure how this story links to my situation... But I feel first that God is there to let me know that everything is alright. Although, I haven't done much in regards to fellowship for the past 3 years, I felt this message is telling me move on, to continue to pray and search for a fellowship and proclaim his truth. Although, I felt like a failure in sharing with my family, there is also some comfort from God that He knew I've done my best.

It's hard to move on after a death of a love one. But I know my mom would want me to move on... I know God would want me to move on too.

I watched my mom's final hours. It's hard to see her suffer and I haven't gotten over the image out of my mind. At the same time, I have been thinking about my younger days with my mom and my family. Like, I remember a time when I was probably 3 or 4, where I had touched broken glass while playing outside. My whole hand was bleeding and my mom freaked out. She took me inside, wash my hands and sucked my bleeding fingers to get the germs out. Then she put like tons of bandaids on my fingers. I don't know why I remembered that so well.

Maybe it was a message that God will heal my bloody hands (and brokenheart), just has He did to Jesus.

***Sunday Sermon***
Sunday, I went to church for the first time in 3 weeks. I've been visiting a church called Steele Creek Church of Charlotte. It's a contemporary church where their focus is on relationships with God through Jesus and with people in home fellowships. The Sunday service is usually 1.5 hours long. For the format of Sunday there's normally a call to worship, then announcements, and then a time of prayer and offering, then the sermon, then the closing songs and benediction.

Sunday was a different type of service though. There wasn't a message today but a time of mostly prayer and ministering to others. The theme and message was that the house of the Lord is a house of prayer and that God heals the brokenhearted. There were several times where specific groups will go to the front of the church: missionaries, widows, single moms, and the people for the traditional alter call.

I have been feeling brokenhearted for the past few weeks. I can't explain this mixture of emotions and my logical mind wants to sort it all out. It's sometimes a surge of emotions that I can't control, sometimes a sense of emptiness, and sometimes a sense of anxiousness. But many times through my mind, God tells me that everything is under His control and that everything is alright.

Matthew 11: 28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

One Tuesday afternoon

Today has been a sleepy Tuesday.

Not much is going on at work.

As I listen to my English co-worker talk about English sausage to my Southern co-worker, who proclaims in dislikes of any sausage (rather strange coming from a Southern co-worker), I wonder what I will do after work.

Then all of a sudden...

I get an email of panic.

Not really.

But it's nice to add some drama to this one Tuesday afternoon.