This month has been kind of tough on me emotionally. It started with PMS (yes, I'm going to be open about this one) but the emotional funk lasted a little longer than usual.
I think it hit me that my mom is finally gone. It was surreal at first. But now, it has finally sinked in. I'm the type of person that, for whatever reason, goes through a denial stage for a while. Then the feeling hits and it's very overwhelming. Whether I'm moving, someone died, I have a sudden life change, the emotions will follow weeks, months, even years after.
I think I have let my own evil get the best of me. I remember before my mom died that she told me she wanted to see me get married. She wanted to see grandchildren. In some regards, I feel like a failure in this department. The feeling of it really sucks. I hate to blame her at the same time too. Growing up, I was HIGHLY encouraged to study all the time and didn't really hang out with a lot of people in high school. But then, it was my choice during college to be part of a conservative church, and although dating wasn't discouraged, purity was encouraged (if that makes sense), so I was taught and I learned to wait... and wait... and wait.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with waiting for the right person. But the time I spent in Charlotte taking care of family, I never really go out much. I did the church thing but wasn't around people my age.
Interestly enough, I was blessed to be around Christians at work who are my age, so there's some fellowship there. Yeah, we got the Baptists and remote Catholics (as in they live far far from Charlotte)... But still, the church I got to now, there are a few of us who are under 30, so that's something.
I guess I'm also sad that my dad's health is kind of shaky right now. He's got a few Dr. appts. and a few scares. My mind is screaming, "It's not fair!" And I'm also thinking, "here we go again..." I already took care of one parent, I have to take care of another. I'm not good at this...
It makes me sad that someday my dad will pass on. He's not in the greatest of health and he's on 6 medications (well, 3 of them are eye drops; but if he doesn't take them, he can go blind). I don't know how he feels but I want him to live at least to give me away if I were to get married.
But in all of this, God is taking me through this journey so that I can learn something. As this is not my control but His control that these things should happen, for my good, whatever that might be. I think preseverance is something God is continually teaching me.
Also, taking risk. For example... I think in social situations where I'm with people I don't know well, I tend to shy away. But I'm learning to just open my mouth and talk. Be more comfortable in my own skin. I think I have scared men that I majored in engineering... But so what! I'm smart! :) Back off boys... LOL, just kidding. I'm not afraid to say I like football either. Or that I prefer eating wings and ribs than being in a fancy restaurants and to have to pay $20 for a 6 oz sirloin steak. Forget fancy shmancy!
I think sometimes I'm a social failure. I can't flirt. I just can't. I'm such a dork; and a slight tom-boy. Growing up, I rather play with Legos than dressing-up. I don't even remember if I liked to dress up! I did do some girly things, like play house, or play with my dolls. Anyways, my girly mode isn't quite on sometimes. i am just now learning to dress more girly, instead of just denim jeans and a t-shirt. Although, some shirts are girly... Hey, just to clarify, i'm not a lesbian. I like men. Dorky men. Hey, that's a thought...
I'm starting to tangent but writing this is therapy to me, so thanks for reading my rantings. Any ideas or support is appreciated. :)
