30-Something : (Extended) Greenway thoughts

Many times when I'm out on the greenway, I sometimes pray to God.  I enjoy the nice serene beauty of the trees, the singing of the birds, and the babbling of the creeks.  It's a time to myself, to be away from work, even from people, family and friends, and just walk or have a nice little jog.  I enjoy God's beauty in the natural surroundings.

In a morning jog, I was thinking and praying about my future husband.

I go through cycles.  Sometimes I tell myself, "Nah, I don't need a man."  Rightly so, I have a well paying engineer/sales job, great insurance, I have a mortgage, a car, and many other amenities and just stuff.

But then sometimes, I feel a sense of needing a man, a need for companionship and to have someone of the opposite gender to understand me.  This is when I start dreaming, "What is he going to be like?"

Many of you readers have been in love (and to those married, you are still in love with your spouse, yes?).  When someone is in love, he or she might want to be more like the other person they are in love with.

• Yes, I want to start eating organic food just like (insert person's name here)
• I want to start playing guitar just like (insert person's name here)
• Wow, he is such a godly person when it comes to finances.  I think I will join his financial class (Crown Ministry, financial peace, insert your class of flavor here).  And please note, you hate balancing your check book.

I hope you get the picture.  Many of us have done this.  Admit it.  I have too.

But in my thoughts and prayers in that morning run, God reminded me of something:

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." ~Genesis 1:27 (NIV)~

Build Your World on Jesus

One other morning, when I wasn't at the greenway, and watching CNN Headline News on a Saturday, there was a segment where the hostess was interviewing two former rappers who turned themselves around to become pastors and/or leaders in their respective churches.  (I think one of them is Rev. Run of Run DMC.)  They co-wrote a book called Manology (which I have a slight interest in reading).  In their interview, they explained that men are attracted to confident women who have "built their world" on things she enjoys.  They took the example of Beyonce and Jay Z.  Beyonce became who she is by what she does: a singer and a performer.  She did not chase other people's dreams, or become someone else.

At the time when I watched this, it made sense.  I need to find what interest me.  But to take it a step further, take interest on what God wants you to do for Him.  Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

In becoming the right person, we all have to acknowledge we are God's creation; He made us in His image.  He wants the best of us and from us.  He wants us to be in love with Him; He is a jealous God!

Sometimes when we are in love, we morph into that other person.  But ask yourself, "Is what he/she is doing of godly worth?  Is this person living for the Lord?"  And of course, take a hard look at yourself, "Am I in love with God?  Am I 'morphing' into what God wants me to be?"

30-something : Secret Sauce... The Secret of Contentment (my verison)

From mid-May to mid-June 2013, my church did a sermon series called “Secret Sauce… The Secret to Contentment”.  As the name implies, the sermon series was about how to be content and was also a walk-through Philippians, about Paul being in prison writing to the saints in Philippi.  In a nutshell, Paul has learned during his travels and while he was in jail to be content in all circumstances.

How does my story relate to a guy in jail?  How does anybody’s story relate to a guy in jail?

Many of us have related to Paul in many of his other journeys as written in the New Testament.  Have you been legalistic?  Paul has been the most zealous, legalistic Jew you have ever seen.  Have you never had faith?  Paul didn’t have faith until he was knocked blind for three days.  Have you starved?  Paul has.  Have you been broke?  I’m sure Paul has been broke many times.  And have you been broken?  Please say yes.  Paul probably has been broken many times too.

And what about being unmarried?  Although it is not known if Paul was married, or have been married, or was unmarried, he wrote to the church at Corinth in 1 Corinthians 7 concerning these things –

³² I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. ³³ But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— ³⁴ and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵ I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

Paul writes to Corinth, which was a pretty messed up society in all areas, especially in the area of marriage and issues with worshipping other gods dealing with fertility and the likes.  You get the picture, I hope.  And of course, there are always disputes amongst the followers.  Such as this, to be married, to be unmarried, what should you do if you’re engaged, etc.  But Paul makes it clear: If you are not married, you are concern about the Lord’s affair.  But if you are married, your interests may be divided.

This chapter does go into marriage.  If you are so burning with passion, get married.  If you are engaged, get married.  If you are married, stay married.  But as long as you’re unmarried, live for the Lord.  But that’s not to say that if you are married you cannot be devoted to the Lord.  I know many married Christians who are just as devoted as before they got married.

I believed we’ve all been there: unmarried and we seek to be understood.

But here’s a question: Does it matter if someone, in the earthly sense, understands me?  Probably not.  Ask yourself, “Who gives a crap about me?”  Almost that question, right there, should speak of discontent in your heart.  “Poor me, nobody loves me!”

However, what I’ve learned is this: God understands me and He graciously loves me like crazy.  It’s not so much, from my personally journey, to be understood by anyone.  Like I said, “Who gives a crap?!” 

But God understands.  That’s why He sent us Jesus to save us from our sins and also Paul to write all that he did about legalism vs. faith, starvation, being broke, being broken, and especially being unmarried.

It is part of this journey of life to understand God, who He is, and how He has made me.  God has made you the way you are.  God has made me the way I am.  Through this madness of life, He made me go through this journey I’m going through to have faith and understand Him.  It has taken me quite a while to be at this point in life, to be confident, and acknowledged in mind and heart, that He has fearfully and wonderfully made me (Psalm 139).

Of course, this is only a sliver of my thoughts.  I'm sure there are tons more experiences which I can share about the graciously and generosities of God.

Ultimately, I've learned to be content in all circumstances, whether you are unmarried, married, and dealing with stuff in life. 

When I first read this many years ago as a young Christian, I felt at the time I understood what it meant. However, as time goes on, God has shown me time and time again of how to be content in so many areas of my life.

Philippians 4:

¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

30-Something : About that dating, courtship, whatever...

Seriously, if you asked me to write a book about courtship, I would title it I Almost Kiss Dating Goodbye.

Remember some years ago, a guy name Joshua Harris had the audacity to write a book I Kiss Dating Goodbye? Going to a conservative church during college, almost everybody read the book as if it was the second Bible for courtship (or non-courtship). 

Me, personally, I read a third of the book, and I wanted to chuck it out my dorm room window.  It wasn’t baloney to me, but it was borderline legalistic.  Don’t get me wrong, I noted a few good things, about being pure in any relationship with your fellow opposite gender.

Then Harris redeemed himself and wrote “Boy Meets Girl”.  I almost want to ask, “What is wrong with you?”  But then, there is love and grace, which I had to contain myself and not say anything.  Never read the book, don’t care to.

Some 10 years later after my last romantic relationship, I haven’t had a single date.

You have read correctly.  Almost 10 years have past.  I haven’t dated a soul.

Now, you may even ask me (in return), “What’s wrong with you?”

Honestly, I can’t tell you what’s wrong with me.  Or  what’s even right with me.  After a few years of church bopping, I landed in a church with a bunch of “singles”.  Actually, it was a large group of mostly divorced folks.  At first, it was weird, awkward as I soon found out I was the youngest true single (or maybe I should say unmarried) but I found the few who I trust and became friends with. 

Then a few weird, awkward things happened.  I was asked out on dates.  And not from guys my age.  There was one guy who was probably my dad age.  Oh boy…  I had to turn him down, gently.

Then there was a guy who… wasn’t all there.  I had to run away from him.

And then I would get some strange looks from a few guys.  Run away, run away!

Due to other reasons (not because of the above), I left that church.

And I landed at my current church, Mosaic Church in Charlotte.

I think I’ve learned a lot about waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.  I have been jaded and my thoughts might be a little skewed about the whole dating thing.  I almost don’t want to pray to God, “Please give me a tall, dark, and handsome Christian guy, who loves You and loves the people he serves.”  Sometimes I would make a list of what I want in a man, only to “scratch it” when God reveals something about me that I need to work on. 

“I want him to be rich and famous.”  Eh! (Think of the buzzer on America’s Got Talent.)
“Okay, can he just at least look like Tim Tebow??”  Eh! 
“Okay, at least, can he have blue eyes?”  Eh!
“Okay, God, I give up!”  Eh!  (God is telling me not to give up on my prayers.)

Often times, I felt like a failure to the human race.  Don’t worry, most unmarried women have felt this way.  We go through this stage of life.  It’s quite normal.  Most of us get through it somehow.

However, I almost want to play a game.  Not that we should test God but this is a good game, to test my own faith.

My pastor, Pastor Naeem Fazal, have often challenged us who are still single, “Wait.  I dare you to wait a year before you date again.”  A few sermons on this topic, he will share about him waiting about 3 years before he meant his wife, Ashley. 

I almost want to tell Naeem, very sarcastically, “What about 10 years?” 

And God tells me, “So, what about 10 years?”  If 9.5 years I have waited, why not half a more years.  Or even beyond.

And if I should wait, for God to make me the right woman and the right wife for a guy out there, I shall wait.  "Don't find the right person; be the right person."

30-Something : You Will Make a Great Mother

I've been getting this comment for the past many many years.  Since my college days, I've always volunteered to work with children at whatever church I've belonged to.  Some of my first experiences are to babysitting for children who's parents are in adult homegroup. (Root groups, cell groups, small groups, community groups are also similar names for those of this type of church realm.  The church I was a part of in college called them "homegroups".)  While the adults had their Bible study time, I and my helper would round up the kids in another room and play, watch Veggie Tales (lots of Veggie Tales), read books, and etc. etc. etc.  Kid things.  I would also babysit for parents who go out on their date nights.  (Try 4 hyperactive kids, ranging from 2 years old to 10 years old).  Same things, play, Veggie Tales, read books, but then I had to make sure they are fed, they go to bed, and especially they don't kill each other.

In variations, I've done the traditional church volunteering in children's ministry and teach Sunday classes every other week.  And I've held babies.  Plenty of babies.  Changed their diapers.  Changed their clothes (burp-ups, throw-ups, and other things I'm not going to elaborate).  Fed them baby food, fed them their bottles, and lord knows how many times I have played patty cake.

But always, I get the comment, "You will make a great mother."

At first, in my late teens/early 20's, it never bothered me.  I enjoyed the compliment.  It made me feel important, that I was helpful at my church(es).  I love kids!  But as time passes on, many of my friends got married, and started having kids.

"Oh, don't worry, you will find someone soon.  Just keep praying that God will bring someone to you," or some other variations like that.

Life events happened, my mother became ill with cancer and I felt the last part of my 20's was sucked out of me.  For 3 years, I didn't really make an effort to find a young group in Charlotte to hang out with.   When my mom finally passed away, all of a sudden, I didn't know what to do with myself.  I church hopped a lot when I was in Charlotte, trying to find a group to belong too.  No such luck, for a while.

Every so often, someone will still say to me, "You will make a great mother."  You know what?  I mentally want to wring her necks (and yes, usually, the person is female.  Although I had a co-worker, male, who pointed out to me, "Aw Josey, you will make a great mama."  Thanks....)

I often want to ask in return, "But do you think I will make a great wife?  Do you think I can make a commitment of sacrificial love, to be with a man until the days we die?  Do you realize the steps it takes to be a mother?  Dating/Courtship (what have you), getting engage, getting married, being in marriage, then motherhood???"  And then it hit me that I'm asking these questions to myself.  In some ways, it was kind of sobering.  Is there something wrong with me?  Did I get this all backwards?  Wow, where have I wasted my life?

But then what does it matter?  So I often times will calmly smile and say, "Thank you, I hope someday I will become a mother..."

30-Something : Unmarried

"Single"

I really don't like that word.

For me, it speaks of being alone.  All by myself.  

Google-searched adjectives: sole - unmarried - only - lone - individual - solitary.

From this group of words, I like the word "unmarried".  It sounds better.

As a disciple of Christ and my own background rooted in traditional Chinese culture, people are not meant to be alone.  I am not saying, men should be with women, vice versa, as in a married state.  In general, people are meant to have and build relationships with people.  Friends, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, cousins, grandparents, co-workers, neighbors.  Especially in the body of Christ, we are to be a family.  Not a corporation, like in a company or business.

Why am I writing

There are plenty, I say PLENTY, of blogs about 30-something, "unmarried", people.  Why am I starting another one?  The common denominator is that we seek to be understood.  We are of the generation where some of us have gone through college/university and/or have experienced a lot of things beyond our home areas, traveling to other parts of the country and traveling to other countries, seeing the world.  And then especially women (at least in the U.S.), we have more opportunities than ever to gain an education and start our careers.  We're waiting longer to get married, be married.  It's a frontier that most people have never been to before, in previous generations.

So, I hope that these series of blogs will serve its goal to enlighten and help the readers from a Christian perspective.