a dream, part 1...

often times my greatest inspirations come late at night...

while i'm typing all lower-case...

despite the craziness i had this week at work, i had a very inspirational week.

God (in caps) spoke to me in a dream the other night. it wasn't a visual dream; it was quite dark actually. but God asked me to pray for two things... one of which i'll share here. but first, some background.

i must have been a sophomore in college when i felt God asking me to consider being a missionary. it was during that time in my life that i was very zealous for God, being a new Christian. it was also a time when the church i was with at the time, was expanding in leaps and bounds and forming new groups within. one of them was an international homegroup (lifegroup or small group, however you want to call it). we had many fond years reaching out to the internationals at nc state. and many rough moments. but our mighty leader later was lead by God to pursue other goals and dreams, thus our little group disbanded...

i later became part of a community homegroup, a mixture of working singles, grad students, families with kids and a few dogs. it was a time after i graduated and a time that i really grew as a person, in faith, and in character. our little group also reached out to internationals; within this group i learned a lot about my evangelical skills. i became friends with many wonderful people, those who were from other countries, those who had missions focus, those have went on missions, those who want to learn about other cultures and countries... i was comfortable in my environment and didn't see that i would leave this homegroup.

then, my mom became sick and i had to move back to the charlotte area. during those times my mom went through treatment, i church shopped. a lot. methodist, baptist, non-denomination, vineyard... all kinds. funny though, because i am single, i try to find a church with a singles focus. some had good groups, others were still in development. but i knew at the time i could not exert too much energy into helping create a new singles group because of my mom and her health.

after my mom past away in August, i took a sabbatical from church... and a month later started to go to a church in the huntersville/cornelius area. strangely enough, from my dad asking me to consider going even though he doesn't go to church! the singles group was humungous but yet not many people younger than 33 (why 33, i don't know). for a time, i wrestled with my thoughts in how to get something going, a younger crowd that i can hang out with, relate to, never been married. i had some thoughts, and actually one wacky idea... but still, i prayed for my calling in this ministry.

then, one night earlier this week i had a dream. i felt God spoke to me in this dream. He told me to pray for two things... one of which is that i should pray for China. singles ministry was never mentioned in my dream. the other i may explain later...

it baffled me but this dream gave me great peace for the first time in a while. and i prayed for China and the other thing God asked me to pray about.

i had a great conversation with a good friend. he just brought up something that got me thinking more. he said this, "I never really saw you as part of a Singles ministry." yes, i have that status as "single" but that shouldn't restrict me from being in other things. he went on to say that since he's known me, i've always been interested in international people.

it's what brought my mom to know Christ. it's what got my dad asking questions about Christianity. there were Chinese Christians i met in the charlotte area and became a part of my life that made a great impact on my parents.

a light bulb came to my head. well, many light bulbs came to my head. now the question is, now what? what do I do with part 1 of my dream?

spice it up!

i'm looking for ways to spice up my blog page. right now, i have one of the templates. i'm actually not very savvy with this considering i majored in engineering and work at a computer all day. but i guess magic on an excel spreadsheet is not the same as loading up a personal template. :)

searching for God knows what...

I actually googled "searching for God" as if i'm searching for Him on the internet. And I came up with this... Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller.

Donald Miller is a Christian author who wrote a book Blue Like Jazz. A book that I read maybe 2 years ago. I would classify his books as post-modern Christian writing. I would like to see what this book is about... I like the author. He speaks more my language.

I'm in sort of a crisis, which prompted me to google "searching for God". In exercising, sometimes you can plateau and not lose weight for a while. I think it's the same with Christian faith. It's great to truck along... but sometimes I have to stop myself and think what is this all about... then comes the plateau.

To be honest, I do get depressed and have some anxiety issues. (Reason why I stay up at nights.) I've never been to the doctor for this (knock on wood) as I've always sought God and His Word... But I feel the challenge isn't there now to pursue Him as intensely, and I'm not sure why.

I blame myself for not really grounding myself in a church. I've been to a whole bunch in the Charlotte; and I always feel somewhat guilty that I can't seem to find one that I can be a part of. As JFK says, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." It's somewhat the same application in regards to people and the church. People go to church expecting God to serve them and fix their problems. And in due time, God can help you with problems. But people are taught to feed themselves, and not being spoon fed, so it's really our responsibility to learn to feed ourselves of God's teachings. And in turn, serve God in the church and not let church or God serve you. We were made to serve others... And not expect anything in return.

It's a balancing act for me... How much can I really do? It's hard to find something to feed myself though. It's easier to be in fellowship for some of the feeding time. But scheduling and what-not seems like a challenge now, as I am always gone on weekends for work and work late. Very frustrating. Where can one get religion in this fast paced society?

I haven't given up. And I won't give up. So, maybe one way to fill up some time and feed myself is to find something I already have. Like this book, An Unstoppable Force by Erwin McManus. God bless him, he went to UNC Chapel Hill. :) It's about building up the church. Maybe I will gain some insight in this book. I haven't picked up the book; it was given to me a long while ago.

And maybe I will pick up Donald Miller book at some point from the bookstore. It looks interesting.

writing is therapy

This month has been kind of tough on me emotionally. It started with PMS (yes, I'm going to be open about this one) but the emotional funk lasted a little longer than usual.

I think it hit me that my mom is finally gone. It was surreal at first. But now, it has finally sinked in. I'm the type of person that, for whatever reason, goes through a denial stage for a while. Then the feeling hits and it's very overwhelming. Whether I'm moving, someone died, I have a sudden life change, the emotions will follow weeks, months, even years after.

I think I have let my own evil get the best of me. I remember before my mom died that she told me she wanted to see me get married. She wanted to see grandchildren. In some regards, I feel like a failure in this department. The feeling of it really sucks. I hate to blame her at the same time too. Growing up, I was HIGHLY encouraged to study all the time and didn't really hang out with a lot of people in high school. But then, it was my choice during college to be part of a conservative church, and although dating wasn't discouraged, purity was encouraged (if that makes sense), so I was taught and I learned to wait... and wait... and wait.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with waiting for the right person. But the time I spent in Charlotte taking care of family, I never really go out much. I did the church thing but wasn't around people my age.

Interestly enough, I was blessed to be around Christians at work who are my age, so there's some fellowship there. Yeah, we got the Baptists and remote Catholics (as in they live far far from Charlotte)... But still, the church I got to now, there are a few of us who are under 30, so that's something.

I guess I'm also sad that my dad's health is kind of shaky right now. He's got a few Dr. appts. and a few scares. My mind is screaming, "It's not fair!" And I'm also thinking, "here we go again..." I already took care of one parent, I have to take care of another. I'm not good at this...

It makes me sad that someday my dad will pass on. He's not in the greatest of health and he's on 6 medications (well, 3 of them are eye drops; but if he doesn't take them, he can go blind). I don't know how he feels but I want him to live at least to give me away if I were to get married.

But in all of this, God is taking me through this journey so that I can learn something. As this is not my control but His control that these things should happen, for my good, whatever that might be. I think preseverance is something God is continually teaching me.

Also, taking risk. For example... I think in social situations where I'm with people I don't know well, I tend to shy away. But I'm learning to just open my mouth and talk. Be more comfortable in my own skin. I think I have scared men that I majored in engineering... But so what! I'm smart! :) Back off boys... LOL, just kidding. I'm not afraid to say I like football either. Or that I prefer eating wings and ribs than being in a fancy restaurants and to have to pay $20 for a 6 oz sirloin steak. Forget fancy shmancy!

I think sometimes I'm a social failure. I can't flirt. I just can't. I'm such a dork; and a slight tom-boy. Growing up, I rather play with Legos than dressing-up. I don't even remember if I liked to dress up! I did do some girly things, like play house, or play with my dolls. Anyways, my girly mode isn't quite on sometimes. i am just now learning to dress more girly, instead of just denim jeans and a t-shirt. Although, some shirts are girly... Hey, just to clarify, i'm not a lesbian. I like men. Dorky men. Hey, that's a thought...

I'm starting to tangent but writing this is therapy to me, so thanks for reading my rantings. Any ideas or support is appreciated. :)

The year of 2008

At a recent birthday dinner, a friend of mine asked me, "What have you accomplished this year?"

I answered, "I don't know, it has been a rough year."

It has been a challenging year for the family. With my mom's declining health, my dad and I had to take care of her until her death in August. While my parents were in Hong Kong for two months earlier this year, I had to jungle full-time work, and taking a class at night, with Chinese language class once a week. (That, I don't think I want to do again... unless I have someone to cook me food!)
While this year was shadowed by my mom's health and bad economy, I did think of a few things that I did accomplish:

1. I can carry somewhat of a simple conversation in Mandarin-Chinese.

2. I have learned to cook a few Chinese dishes that my mom used to cook. But I'm not as good as her.

3. Work-wise, I'm done with documentation for UV standard products.

4. I finally understand what bioassay is and what the regulations are in the U.S.

5. Even though this was a challenging year, I believe God has made me a stronger person. I haven't really felt close to God or connected to fellowship in a while, but God is still there for me. I think my view of humanity has changed. I think being part of some conservative churches in the past effected my view on people such that people should be "projects". But being part of a Methodist church for a while, that has taught me how to accept people as they are and lean on the hope that people will come to know Christ. It also tested my view that we are not all enemies but we are all people. It's a different mentality... It truly test your belief not to judge others as sinners but potential brothers and sisters in Christ. People are people, with basic emotions and needs. We smile, we laugh, we cry. We love, we hate. We eat and sleep. But yet, God gave us different personalities and behaviors that makes us who we are.

Being with my family and around Asians, we (or they) think differently than Westerners. I think this part I'm still analyzing because I view things on both side of the fence, being raised here in the U.S. but also being Asian.

I think even the past 4 months have been tough in that I had to re-adjust to a new schedule. It's weird to say but there is a lot of freedom now that my mom is no longer with us. I mean, I miss my mom, don't get me wrong. Now, I struggle with finding things to do...

With that said, I was thinking of things I want to accomplish for 2009:

1. I think I finally found a church I like. I have visited many churches in the past 3 years, and all of them have been great churches. But it's been kind of difficult to find a niche, to find the right chemistry, so to speak, and usually it takes time to build relationships. So, I think that this year, I want to become involved with a church I've been visiting for a few months. I went to their "membership" class which they called "partnership classes" to learn more about their beliefs and doctrine. It's in line with what I believe, so I'm going to stick around. The church is also building up their single's ministry, hopefully in bringing in more younger singles (more my age).

2. I want to be involved with a non-profit organization. There are tons in Charlotte. Some are belief-based and some are not. I've been thinking long and hard about this because for the longest time, I actually wanted to take a class again to go towards a Master's. But I had this "light bulb" moment today that even though I may get a MBA or whatever Master's I choose, it's not going to be as rewarding as being part of an organization that I can contribute to humanity. I think volunteering my time in helping others is more rewarding than going back to school to gain a Master's.

One organization I was looking into is Water for People. Water for People is a non-profit organization made up of professionals in the U.S. I realize that there are a lot of mission type groups, but most focus on construction in a foreign country. Water for People is not affiliated with a religious group but I think it may have a place for me since I am interested in improving the basic needs of water treatment to a developing nation (if that nation needs or wants it). But there are limits. There are groups of people that may not think they need it, which is quite alright too. The last thing I want to do is force my view of a modern world upon a group of people who think they don't need it.

3. Exercise more. I know, it sounds pretty cliche. Before my mom's death, I was really on a role though. I ate 5 times a day (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner), I lifted weights, I did cardio 30-40 minutes a day (excluding warm-up and cool-down). I actually lost some weight and toned my muscles. But with the schedule change, I think I have gain some back. :-(

4. Run a 5K. But I need a buddy/trainer/motivation. I would like to participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in October, so that should be my goal. I have about 9 months, right? :) Or maybe I should find something closer in the calendar...

5. Finally... I have been going through spiritual funk for a long time. I think partly that I have been church hopping and not feel connected to any fellowship. I hope and pray that this year, I can re-start being more with God through quiet time and connecting to a fellowship. Like I said in #1, I want to be more involved again with church and I hope that would help with me be spiritually challenged in my life.

There's probably more I can think of but so far, this is it. :)